I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
