Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
