i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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