i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
