she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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