That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize