so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I use my feet as sexual weapons
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
