If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
