Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
