You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Two words: blizzard sex
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
