I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
