Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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