I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
did i walk over a car last night?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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