Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
