drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
