So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
