My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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