I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
