i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
4 words: hood of his car
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
