I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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