Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
