I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
