Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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