I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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