Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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