you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
