who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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