listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
