I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
