Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Sext me about skeletons
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
