he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
