apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
