My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
