I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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