Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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