Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
