he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
