he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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