true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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