Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
