eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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