You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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