Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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