sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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