I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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