so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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