He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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