I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
