if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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