just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
