i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I enjoy the company of your penis
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