I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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