why didn't you poke me back
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize