Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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