Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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