i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
