Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
