We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
